Anonymous Story (III)

I was at the hospital for a suicide attempt and self harm. While I was there I had no intent on getting better and would try to find ways to hurt myself: one night I even grabbed the glasses off of a staff member to break and hurt myself with. Obviously they would have a good reason to restrain me, however, their “restraint” was shoving me against a wall and holding me there until I calmed down; this led to flashbacks to my childhood, as it triggered my C-PTSD (from my abusive father). The hospital I was at was supposed to restrain you by holding your arms and taking you to a safe room, not by shoving you against a wall and holding you there. I had bruises on my shoulder because I was sideways when the staff pushed into the wall.

 

I wasn't getting better so my therapist decided to give me worksheets. These things were thicker than the dictionary and filled with infantized solutions with things like “what can I do when I feel sad?” and those emotion charts you see when you’re three years old. I told my therapist I didn’t want to do it because it wouldn’t be helpful, and was a waste of time. While I was eating lunch she came in and publicly told everybody that, because I was refusing treatment, I would be isolated and that if anyone talked to me they’d be in big trouble. Everyone began staring at me and so I started having a panic attack. My therapist yelled at me to get over it and said that if I didn't leave the room at that moment she would use “other methods.” I was taken to a different room and left alone to complete my therapist’s packets. During lunch I had to sit at a table pushed away from everyone else. If anyone talked to me they would be yelled at, and if I talked to anyone the staff’d make me leave.

 

The staff were not allowed to talk to or help me. I was forced to switch rooms at night so I was still alone. I eventually had a bad panic attack and asked for my PRN or to go to a safe room but I was told that, since I was in isolation, I wasn't allowed to go to a safe room in case I saw anyone in the halls. This made my panic attack evolve into the worst I’ve ever had, and I almost passed out and was lying on the floor unable to move.

 

I was isolated for 9 days. Isolation is supposed to only last for a day or two tops, and only for reasons if the person is violent to everyone else. 

 

Along with all this some chemicals got into the water at the hospital, and they shut the water off completely. I didn’t get to shower for five weeks. Five whole weeks. Simply because the hospital was so slow at fixing the water problem. It was unhygienic, it wasn't healthy, everyone smelled, the blankets and clothing smelled, it was horrible.

 

I hope this helps to inspire change.