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Anonymous Story (X)

"It Wasn't Just Friendly"

My story starts off when I was in fourth grade- but my true mental health issues started in third grade when I had very high self harm tendencies and suicidal thoughts mixed in with anxiety as well. But, when I was in fourth grade, I opened up about having plans to hurt myself again and there I was in a matter of seconds being pushed away and into the hospital. 

They put me into a hospital bed and clothes while also letting me stand up and walk around in my room, they allowed my mother to stay by my side as well. 


This part will be more on how badly the hospital treated me during my weeks there. I will list them off since it’ll be easier for me and you to understand and read through; 


1. They made promises; I have had trust issues since the beginning of time –– but now they have become even bigger because of this hospital that I was staying in. They’d promise me “You’re going to go home!” and “Everything is fine,” and “We promise nothing bad is going to happen,” and other things. 

When I asked about my date of being sent home, they told me straight up at the last minute that I wasn’t going home. I saw my mom crying and busting out tears shaking her head while I asked if I was going to be sent home like they promised. 

If I was going to see my Ziggy again, my cat. 

Many hospitals make these promises and yet never commit to them and yet they act so sure that these promises will be fulfilled. It was foolish of me to trust them for sure, but it should be common sense to keep your promises, especially if you’re taking care of someone who is sensitive. 


2. They made me sleep in a room that made me feel like a caged animal. There were cameras everywhere and the room had the most scariest shades of gray that I’ve ever seen. I’m getting shaky from just thinking about it and remembering how it made me feel. Then there it was… a simple brown chair that I’d be lying in then; I was barely able/allowed to walk. When I had breakdowns they’d tell me to “behave” and that it wouldn’t make me go home any faster even though in the future- even when I did act all goodie they still broke their promise. It’s bullshit. 


3. I had to sleep next to a person who was on trial for possibly being a criminal of an awful crime. I believe he was being accused of murder if I’m not mistaken. Yeah, that’s right, I had to sleep close to someone who was chained down to his bed and saying the most inappropriate disgusting things ever. He didn’t give a shit about me or other people in the hospital at first either –– he was a grown man too. It drove me insane and made me terrified.

The nurses would kindly ask him to stop but that’s just about it.


4. No privacy using rest rooms. I thought it was needed, but no, it’s truly not. I had to shower with someone (a stranger/nurse) just standing in a corner watching and listening to me and my mother’s conversation. Not to mention, the police having to watch me pee and stuff while watching me made me extremely uncomfortable. I tried to convince all of them I wasn’t going to do anything to hurt myself but they didn’t even give me a chance. 


5. Falsely accused my brother of pedophilia. Yeah, this might be more on the therapy side or more on the psychologist side but let me tell you when I found out, I was beyond angry or furious. Never did I state that I faced ANY sort of pedophilia from my brother AT ALL. The psychiatrist decided that it’d be a wonderful idea to twist my words and try to add it as fact. But thankfully, I denied it all innocently in the past because I didn’t know what was going on behind the scenes. Now, I feel so much guilt for opening up because my brother could’ve gotten falsely arrested for something I didn’t state nor did he do. 

Sure he can be an ass sometimes, but that’s all brothers, haha.

Now I’m going to discuss some things that I’ve seen at the mental hospital as well. Some of these are my stories while others are people who’ve been in the hospital with me that I’ve made friends with while staying there (I don’t talk to them anymore but that’s irrelevant).


Okay, so, at the mental hospital there’s something I noticed to be honest. Usually, there would be people who’d be assigned to watch over us and make sure we were okay while also writing about our behaviors. 


But they would also restrain kids from beating each other up, breaking things, or simply doing anything else that wasn’t considered “normal behavior."


With these certain people –– bonds would naturally happen between them [staff] and the kids staying there. But some of these relationships turned romantic or crushes quickly on the kid's side. But with me, it might be a different story now that I rethink about it and understand more of what happened to me wasn’t okay. 


There was this guy who’d be regularly assigned to me and we formed a friendship, you could say. But soon enough, he’d come behind me and start teasing me fondly saying things like “I bet you’re so jealous that I’m working with so and so,” but in a way that sounded so charming.


I’d giggle and say “No! Shut up!” as a joke. But then, when we’d talk, it would sound more intimate and then when we’d fight or argue, it’d sound more like an actual romantic relationship than just your average patient and worker relationship. Soon I came to find out, I might’ve had a crush or maybe, I was groomed. 


He didn’t touch me physically, though he did make slight gestures coming behind me like that. Not to mention the looks he’d give me as well. Many kids spoke about how weird we were as well –– saying if I wasn’t careful he’d be pulled away from me. 


But I thought it was all friendly. Now it might be the opposite. 


Now, the restraints they’d do to some of my friends included forcefully getting a needle injected into them for their medicine. I’d understand (to some degree) but the fact they kept the door completely open and let everyone hear the screams of this poor little girl had me traumatized from medication. 


The fact that they also wouldn’t allow me or other girls to socialize in rooms with each other, to even have some fun girl talk time where we would just have fun and gossip like regular girls [was unfair]. 

Nope, we were sent back into our rooms within minutes and told that we couldn’t communicate to each other in rooms. 


And, oh my god, there was this one security guard who’d make the most sarcastic comments and when I’d tell him about my family, problems, or anything else. He’d say “Oh my god, you talk too much,” which is something I’ve been told many times… but that’s just because I was sharing a passion or stories about people I really missed being in my life. It was disrespectful the way he’d shut people down for jokes and just because he felt like it.

 He’d give advice here and there but being basically called ‘annoying’ just broke me. Maybe that’s why I’m so quiet now and never talk. 


That’s all I’m going to share for now, but there is way more, like the amount of stress my parents had to go through and basically everything that was pushed against everyone’s will to actually get better. Oh, or the fact that 99% of the kids faked how they were getting better to go home and didn’t enjoy the program at all. 


But that’s all I’m really going to share because I feel like if I go too deep I’m going to have nightmares. This happened to me years ago but not so long ago either and I still have PTSD from it. Going to these places don’t help and only make your mental health worse.


I hope you guys complete your mission and get as many stories out there! 

Sending out all my love to any other victims. I love all of you! 

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